Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Gators Gone Wild

While we were off on "Heckle and Jeckle's Excellent Adventure," I see that the local fauna, AKA Florida AlliGators, have gone wild. This is what happens when I leave the state unattended during mating season. My magnetic personality and crooked eyebrow keeps most cold-blooded critters in line much of the time but the moment I leave, the Gators start chomping on the local Peeps as well as the Tourista. Three deaths this week is a lot considering that we've only had 17 recorded fatalities due to alligator death rolls during the last 58 years until I left La Florida early in May. I am NOT counting all the lost fingers, toes and assorted body parts here, just recovered stiffs. However, at least three people were recently successful in beating off the mighty horny, rabid gators. I was real proud of the octogenarian lady who was watering her flowers by the lake with the garden hose down in Boca. That gator let loose of her leg right quick after she started beating him senseless in the eyeball with her hose!

UF Campus Gator
Gator on the UF Campus

Let's be careful out there people. If an alligator looks at ya funny-like and smacks his lips and grins, run up the nearest tree or at the very least, take off a'runnin in a crazy zig-zag pattern so he kain't ketchya and snack on yer extremities. Oops. I just slipped into local lingo there. Sorry, it's the toonie talkin.'

Unfortunately, I have a long forgotten Periodontal visit tomorrow, but that means I get drugs, lots of drugs so I will probably be out of it or at the very least, somewhat incoherent and more rambling than usual tomorrow - if I don't pass out by the time I get home or forget to blog. I just hate those surprise phone calls when they remind you that you need to pre-medicate and to come in tomorrow. Of course, this is purely my own fault since I forbid them to call me weeks in advance like they normally do with normal people since if they call me early, I get too nervous to function until the appointment. So, I insist they only call me one day in advance, no earlier than the day before, and then it is always a shock and I totally freak out but at least it is only for one day and not 10 to 14 days. I've already lined up on the countertop, Ambien for tonight, a handful of Xanax plus a couple of Valium in addition to my Amoxxycillin for tomorrow. Tonight, I am going to break my diet rule of one martini per night.

Right now, I feel I should confess that I regularly drink giant-sized 6 ounce, up and dirty martinis anyway so the One Drink Rule isn't really a hardship most of the time -- except pre-dental. A dental phobic should be allowed to drink as much as needed to be relaxed and fall asleep the night before they stab one's gums with needles, rusty
probes and sharp metal picks. I'm going to cook up a nice dinner of Porcini Tortellini Alfredo with asparagus and some sautéed tomatoes (with lots of fresh garlic, bwahahahaa!) and I might even have wine with supper as well as another toonie -- or two! -- while I cook. Lest you think I am a total alkie, please be advised that I can hold my own just fine. I just like big toonies, especially when I have dental tortures to attend, hanging over me in a big dark cloud of trauma. OMG. I need another drink!

Tourista, do not come here.
The alligators are all riled up and they will eat you.


ChrisMoose said...

Ummmm... I ... ummm... well, I have a few (2) tourista that I would willingly submit as gator fodder so the gators wouldn't be goin' round attackin' the locals... I'm sssuuuurrrrrreeee they wouldn't mind gittin' a leetle chewed up... really, we won't miss them up here at all....

Flaurella said...

Florida Gators seems to prefer the taste of Tennessee natives over all others -- seems they taste like chicken.

I imagine Tourista from the Great Lakes region should be safe if they follow the rules of engagement and learn to run fast and not in a straight line.

Good Luck. Come on down!

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